That sound you hear is Les Paul spinning…
Boned - Up At The Crack
What makes an album cover bad? Better yet, what makes one truly terrible?
To paraphrase US Justice Potter Stewart musing on what is 'pornography': "I can't tell you what obscenity is, but I know it when I see it."
And MusicRadar knows a bad album cover when it sees one…
Today, MusicRadar kicks off a series called The Worst Album Covers Ever, with our first installment shining a harsh light on the world of heavy metal. The songs may rock, the singers may scream, the solos may impressively shred.
But what the hell is happening with these album covers? Oh, and warning - a few of these verge on the NSFW.
All of them however verge on the terrible…
"Look at the bitchin' clothes Mom got us at the rock store! She even named our band too!"
Cinderella - Night Songs
Because the one thing people like more than death is leprosy…
Death - Leprosy
"And the winner of the St Mary's first-grade 'Draw A Heavy Metal Album Cover' contest is…"
Battle Axe - Burn This Town
We're confused. Does the man want to be serviced by the dog, the girl or - ulp! - both?
Scorpions - Animal Magnetism
"And runner-up in the St Mary's first-grade 'Draw A Heavy Metal Album Cover' contest is…"
Pantera - Metal Magic
Tankard are big Shrek fans. Shrek has yet to come back to us about how he feels about Tankard…
Tankard - The Beauty And The Beer
"So we'll make a heart, but it'll really be a pair of boobs! God, are we brilliant, or what?"
Krokus - Heart Attack
Original caption removed because, well, the picture's enough
Manowar - Anthology
It's kinda subtle, Vinnie. Next time, go bold. People need to know what they're (not) buying…
Vinnie Vincent Invasion - Vinnie Vincent Invasion
Just look at him - you know it's gonna frikkin' rock!
Pat Boone - In A Metal Mood - No More Mr Nice Guy
This is what David Coverdale sits around thinking about. Hey, it's a living.
Whitesnake - Lovehunter
And this is what Cattle Decapitation sit around thinking about. Suddenly, Coverdale seems like a genius…
Cattle Decapitation - Humanure
So, wait a minute...is the album called Ron Keel? Hard to tell…
Ron Keel - Ron Keel
And this is what happens when everybody in the band gets to pick an image…
Riot - Narita
Tragically, Kevin could only afford half the mask at this point
Kevin DuBrow - In For The Kill
Obviously, Devourment were going for the chicks with this baby
Devourment - Molesting The Decapitated
Hard to say what's worse, the generic metal attire or the rampant overuse of the letter 'K'
Wrathchild - Stakk Attakk
Four guys and three girls. Somebody didn't do their math…
Manowar - Blow Your Speakers
"Hey, let's use the same album cover but lose the girls. Nobody'll notice…"
Manowar - Fighting The World
Testament went for a low-rent verson of Iron Maiden's 'Eddie.' Lame, guys, very lame
Testament - Return To The Apocalyptic City
Now it might say Vivaldi but it's not exactly Deutsche Grammophon is it?
The Great Kat - Bloody Vivaldi
No, we've never heard of them either. Anyway, what's weirdest - the surprised-looking dude on the left, or the guy with the weird eye?
Panzer - Tierra De Metales
Pantera had so much fun with St Mary's 'Draw A Heavy Metal Album Cover' contest, they decided to do one of their own. Next time, let the kids do their thing
Pantera - Projects In The Jungle
"Steel? Check. Heart? Check. Yeah, we're good!"
Steelheart - Steelheart
"And last place in the St Mary's first-grade 'Draw A Heavy Metal Album Cover' contest goes to…"
Bonded By Blood - Extinguish The Weak
"We'll spell 'school' with a 'K' instead of a 'C.' And then we'll come up with a look nobody's ever seen before. Hell, we'll even switch headbands!"
Metal Skool - Metal Skool
"So we need to somehow get across 'reaching' and 'sky'… Got it!"
Ratt - Reach For The Sky
The ol' fist in the face - haven't seen that before
Fist - Back With A Vengeance
Nope, haven't seen it before at all…
Anthrax - Fistful of Metal
This is getting ridiculous now - this band need a feature of their own
Manowar - Into Glory Ride
I mean, who doesn't dream about fighting a three-headed dragon with a guitar?
Yngwie J Malmsteen - Trilogy
You've got to wonder what the cover they turned down looked like?
King Kobra - Thrill Of A Lifetime
Masters Of Moustaches. At least half of 'em, especially the dude who's pointing - he means it
High Frequency - Masters Of Madness
Do we need two of these little demon fellas for our ears?
Krokus - The Best Of Krokus - Stayed Awake All Night
"Got my cool metal pants...my headband...my awesome bass. I rule Long Island!"
Randy Coven - Funk Me Tender
As for the dude on the right, can he put his pack back? In fact, can all of those bringing their respective packs back just back off?
Raven - The Pack Is Back
Tommy had a lot of time on his hands in prison. Unfortunately, he had art supplies too
Tommy Lee - Tommyland: The Ride
You guys look like doofuses. That 'loud and clear' enough for ya?
Autograph - Loud And Clear
Because a pointy logo needs a pointy guitar
Triumph - Allied Forces
Is it us or do these 'boyz' look like 'girlz'?
Pretty Boy Floyd - Leather Boyz With Electric Toyz
For which we have a neverending question: "What the HELL is this?"
Agressor - Neverending Destiny
"Hey guys, is it me or is this possibly a bit over the top? Guys? Guys?"
Merciless Death - Evil In The Night
For some reason, that little girl really, really freaks us out…
Moray Eel - Priest Hunter
Come on, who doesn't look like this after a weekend bender?
King Diamond - Conspiracy
And the Lord said, "What are you guys, bees or something?"
Stryper - Soldiers Under Command
"You call that a sword? THIS is a sword!"
Bolt Thrower - Warmaster
"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got..."
Farscape - Killers On The Loose
Ask Dick Cheney to design your cover, this is what you get…
Eliminator - Breaking The Wheel
Actually, I think you'll find it's Three Strikes…
Stryken - First Strike
Trick, surely