The worst heavy metal album covers of all time
![Boned - Up At The Crack](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/58af98e104eb15b3065cda2dc4b1a5a7-320-80.jpg)
That sound you hear is Les Paul spinning…
Boned - Up At The Crack
What makes an album cover bad? Better yet, what makes one truly terrible?
To paraphrase US Justice Potter Stewart musing on what is 'pornography': "I can't tell you what obscenity is, but I know it when I see it."
And MusicRadar knows a bad album cover when it sees one…
Today, MusicRadar kicks off a series called The Worst Album Covers Ever, with our first installment shining a harsh light on the world of heavy metal. The songs may rock, the singers may scream, the solos may impressively shred.
But what the hell is happening with these album covers? Oh, and warning - a few of these verge on the NSFW.
All of them however verge on the terrible…
![Cinderella - Night Songs](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/086694470adfbd2ead3b2b2035960f59-320-80.jpg)
"Look at the bitchin' clothes Mom got us at the rock store! She even named our band too!"
Cinderella - Night Songs
![Death - Leprosy](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/4bb9c16067e3e70cbbaa2fe19ae72357-320-80.jpg)
Because the one thing people like more than death is leprosy…
Death - Leprosy
![Battle Axe - Burn This Town](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/e5c3191b02747ab3082af148ba950ab7-320-80.jpg)
"And the winner of the St Mary's first-grade 'Draw A Heavy Metal Album Cover' contest is…"
Battle Axe - Burn This Town
![Scorpions - Animal Magnetism](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/a3511e71d73aeac40827ed4470fb52a3-320-80.jpg)
We're confused. Does the man want to be serviced by the dog, the girl or - ulp! - both?
Scorpions - Animal Magnetism
![Pantera - Metal Magic](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/398123aa3934c093c3a913bdb7b49002-320-80.jpg)
"And runner-up in the St Mary's first-grade 'Draw A Heavy Metal Album Cover' contest is…"
Pantera - Metal Magic
![Tankard - The Beauty And The Beer](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/73ee0d34da19a40e8a777219fe77c505-320-80.jpg)
Tankard are big Shrek fans. Shrek has yet to come back to us about how he feels about Tankard…
Tankard - The Beauty And The Beer
![Krokus - Heart Attack](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/e32f3063d08d9bb2936b351609ee8064-320-80.jpg)
"So we'll make a heart, but it'll really be a pair of boobs! God, are we brilliant, or what?"
Krokus - Heart Attack
![Manowar - Anthology](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/1267a107a6344f17d0923af58bed23aa-320-80.jpg)
Original caption removed because, well, the picture's enough
Manowar - Anthology
![Vinnie Vincent Invasion - Vinnie Vincent Invasion](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/2c8472f97141891979e15988e471d8fe-320-80.jpg)
It's kinda subtle, Vinnie. Next time, go bold. People need to know what they're (not) buying…
Vinnie Vincent Invasion - Vinnie Vincent Invasion
![Pat Boone - In A Metal Mood - No More Mr Nice Guy](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/f8b79610db460778d48424ffc3ea69c6-320-80.jpg)
Just look at him - you know it's gonna frikkin' rock!
Pat Boone - In A Metal Mood - No More Mr Nice Guy
![Whitesnake - Lovehunter](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/07d384eb668e153bb40d2d322a7dabe3-320-80.jpg)
This is what David Coverdale sits around thinking about. Hey, it's a living.
Whitesnake - Lovehunter
![Cattle Decapitation - Humanure](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/806bca56f2dd10b6eda1e1bd7fdf64b6-320-80.jpg)
And this is what Cattle Decapitation sit around thinking about. Suddenly, Coverdale seems like a genius…
Cattle Decapitation - Humanure
![Ron Keel - Ron Keel](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/536d5e1680743e473af23505446bf26d-320-80.jpg)
So, wait a minute...is the album called Ron Keel? Hard to tell…
Ron Keel - Ron Keel
![Riot - Narita](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/bc8f9d5939bf6850e6fbcef5a04197e6-320-80.jpg)
And this is what happens when everybody in the band gets to pick an image…
Riot - Narita
![Kevin DuBrow - In For The Kill](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/c91e8dc85a3e6c9592485a69458f947a-320-80.jpg)
Tragically, Kevin could only afford half the mask at this point
Kevin DuBrow - In For The Kill
![Devourment - Molesting The Decapitated](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/792ac041936f18ea7455c532c2ecbe45-320-80.jpg)
Obviously, Devourment were going for the chicks with this baby
Devourment - Molesting The Decapitated
![Wrathchild - Stakk Attakk](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/27eb1f741ba922fb71d9f458bca01223-320-80.jpg)
Hard to say what's worse, the generic metal attire or the rampant overuse of the letter 'K'
Wrathchild - Stakk Attakk
![Manowar - Blow Your Speakers](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/99fd296a2df4d8d2e95e4134908656c7-320-80.jpg)
Four guys and three girls. Somebody didn't do their math…
Manowar - Blow Your Speakers
![Manowar - Fighting The World](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/76e4e85e15d46179b781dbefedd9b6ee-320-80.jpg)
"Hey, let's use the same album cover but lose the girls. Nobody'll notice…"
Manowar - Fighting The World
![Testament - Return To The Apocalyptic City](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/c23d91faf9f4885c1d7b9724966493f0-320-80.jpg)
Testament went for a low-rent verson of Iron Maiden's 'Eddie.' Lame, guys, very lame
Testament - Return To The Apocalyptic City
![The Great Kat - Bloody Vivaldi](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/ad2940921ad3c2216c8983279a2fee12-320-80.jpg)
Now it might say Vivaldi but it's not exactly Deutsche Grammophon is it?
The Great Kat - Bloody Vivaldi
![Panzer - Tierra De Metales](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/1e7e9446d48ae0b46b1b95734da80877-320-80.jpg)
No, we've never heard of them either. Anyway, what's weirdest - the surprised-looking dude on the left, or the guy with the weird eye?
Panzer - Tierra De Metales
![Pantera - Projects In The Jungle](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/1c1854a0630f54d23e678b3a4e3c4e38-320-80.jpg)
Pantera had so much fun with St Mary's 'Draw A Heavy Metal Album Cover' contest, they decided to do one of their own. Next time, let the kids do their thing
Pantera - Projects In The Jungle
![Steelheart - Steelheart](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/6e5dbe602f70ccf81d07624d89c6f966-320-80.jpg)
"Steel? Check. Heart? Check. Yeah, we're good!"
Steelheart - Steelheart
![Bonded By Blood - Extinguish The Weak](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/00b17b32c0288b4b7eea69d090a3481d-320-80.jpg)
"And last place in the St Mary's first-grade 'Draw A Heavy Metal Album Cover' contest goes to…"
Bonded By Blood - Extinguish The Weak
![Metal Skool - Metal Skool](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/f8e15dedf43ff41448fff1c5524fb32d-320-80.jpg)
"We'll spell 'school' with a 'K' instead of a 'C.' And then we'll come up with a look nobody's ever seen before. Hell, we'll even switch headbands!"
Metal Skool - Metal Skool
![Ratt - Reach For The Sky](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/6f2d43504ec0d2441fa1c537ad5d908a-320-80.jpg)
"So we need to somehow get across 'reaching' and 'sky'… Got it!"
Ratt - Reach For The Sky
![Fist - Back With A Vengeance](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/ce3298ac0137d198852b15ceec24c2d5-320-80.jpg)
The ol' fist in the face - haven't seen that before
Fist - Back With A Vengeance
![Anthrax - Fistful of Metal](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/428918b2b58eda405c5717f0fd40f612-320-80.jpg)
Nope, haven't seen it before at all…
Anthrax - Fistful of Metal
![Manowar - Into Glory Ride](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/748ec3371f3f5883fb82c94829cc484b-320-80.jpg)
This is getting ridiculous now - this band need a feature of their own
Manowar - Into Glory Ride
![Yngwie J Malmsteen - Trilogy](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/b2ae6253f180941358ff4301ed24d219-320-80.jpg)
I mean, who doesn't dream about fighting a three-headed dragon with a guitar?
Yngwie J Malmsteen - Trilogy
![King Kobra - Thrill Of A Lifetime](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/9dbe2326baa5ad61faba77f93bcf243f-320-80.jpg)
You've got to wonder what the cover they turned down looked like?
King Kobra - Thrill Of A Lifetime
![High Frequency - Masters Of Madness](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/933ab0f9fe6a8c9ae775bdfcea8e9b15-320-80.jpg)
Masters Of Moustaches. At least half of 'em, especially the dude who's pointing - he means it
High Frequency - Masters Of Madness
![Krokus - The Best Of Krokus - Stayed Awake All Night](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/0a8918ae8db264565aee7f8b926beb97-320-80.jpg)
Do we need two of these little demon fellas for our ears?
Krokus - The Best Of Krokus - Stayed Awake All Night
![Randy Coven - Funk Me Tender](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/c9412447e2ae890e311f99062b3f39e4-320-80.jpg)
"Got my cool metal pants...my headband...my awesome bass. I rule Long Island!"
Randy Coven - Funk Me Tender
![Raven - The Pack Is Back](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/aadb819686844b4b5cbcc0bf0c937e18-320-80.jpg)
As for the dude on the right, can he put his pack back? In fact, can all of those bringing their respective packs back just back off?
Raven - The Pack Is Back
![Tommy Lee - Tommyland: The Ride](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/f918f3d1e80bef444233478d02ca5fb4-320-80.jpg)
Tommy had a lot of time on his hands in prison. Unfortunately, he had art supplies too
Tommy Lee - Tommyland: The Ride
![Autograph - Loud And Clear](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/29390f6d617b80393de4caa8f98154b2-320-80.jpg)
You guys look like doofuses. That 'loud and clear' enough for ya?
Autograph - Loud And Clear
![Triumph - Allied Forces](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/75d89ce6206ef3f5142fa8c76dbcd114-320-80.jpg)
Because a pointy logo needs a pointy guitar
Triumph - Allied Forces
![Pretty Boy Floyd - Leather Boyz With Electric Toyz](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/180a82e6787e893de10de5c024931e4f-320-80.jpg)
Is it us or do these 'boyz' look like 'girlz'?
Pretty Boy Floyd - Leather Boyz With Electric Toyz
![Agressor - Neverending Destiny](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/be4596f6ed4c47a6b0dcdcbf050fa14a-320-80.jpg)
For which we have a neverending question: "What the HELL is this?"
Agressor - Neverending Destiny
![Merciless Death - Evil In The Night](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/d5c36f3b7cd8452deaf4c42c2164b5e5-320-80.jpg)
"Hey guys, is it me or is this possibly a bit over the top? Guys? Guys?"
Merciless Death - Evil In The Night
![Moray Eel - Priest Hunter](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/2e47a41f7ab4dcabc619d2008a63ee4d-320-80.jpg)
For some reason, that little girl really, really freaks us out…
Moray Eel - Priest Hunter
![King Diamond - Conspiracy](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/2d4b516aafce03b7bfed55e49270e20c-320-80.jpg)
Come on, who doesn't look like this after a weekend bender?
King Diamond - Conspiracy
![Stryper - Soldiers Under Command](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/69465fc6262ce346f4790151c0bf76a4-320-80.jpg)
And the Lord said, "What are you guys, bees or something?"
Stryper - Soldiers Under Command
![Bolt Thrower - Warmaster](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/6a2e958b983de667fbc28305ea794aef-320-80.jpg)
"You call that a sword? THIS is a sword!"
Bolt Thrower - Warmaster
![Farscape - Killers On The Loose](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/62e7c706c593e78914f216ab9bc6c600-320-80.jpg)
"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got..."
Farscape - Killers On The Loose
![Eliminator - Breaking The Wheel](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/0afb08b59e241fb9aac3ad2bc52f89e5-320-80.jpg)
Ask Dick Cheney to design your cover, this is what you get…
Eliminator - Breaking The Wheel
![Stryken - First Strike](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/af72e40827aa535eeeab256b4d33335e-320-80.jpg)
Actually, I think you'll find it's Three Strikes…
Stryken - First Strike
![Fastway - Trick Or Treat](https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/810a69af95b0429e0d596d0eeefd703a-320-80.jpg)
Trick, surely