"The burglars either had no idea - or knew exactly what they were doing": Esteemed Cologne venue Essigfabrik just had its entire soundsystem stolen in a “Hollywood-worthy” robbery

We’ve all wanted the neighbours to turn the volume down from time to time. Well, at Essigfabrik, a DJ and live venue in Cologne, Germany, the management has no choice but to go completely silent.

Incredibly, the venue has just had its entire sound system – worth over €100,000 and weighing several tons – lifted from under its nose.

The absence of the venue’s complete soundsystem mercifully wasn’t discovered by a resident DJ or band but came to the attention of its cleaners who, upon arriving for to the usual pre-gig ashtray and latrine duties on Monday, arrived to find that something else had been cleaned out…

It’s believed that the world’s heaviest theft took place between 9:30 am Sunday morning and 10:30 am Monday morning.

Needless to say the now absent system was entirely bespoke to the venue, comprising multiple speakers and amplifiers, with their reflections and delays fine-tuned to sync and to sound great within the popular leisure space. Its cost (and the value of the venue’s loss) is estimated as being over €100,000.

"I assume that the burglars either had no idea or knew exactly what they were doing," the venue’s managing director Sergeo Sotric told local paper Kölner Stadt-Anzeiger. “Due to its size and complexity, the system cannot be dismantled by laypeople and, above all, is difficult to sell.”

A "Hollywood-worthy" crime

Sotric has left it to police to determine whether the system was “stolen to order” but does not rule out the possibility that it may already have been transported to Eastern Europe, where they have "no access” before assessing the scale of the break-in as being "Hollywood-worthy”.

Essigfabrik – which translates to "vinegar factory" – has a capacity of 1,200 and serves as a DJ and band venue, having hosted Trentemøller, Truncate and Young Fathers in recent years.

But fear not if you were heading to Essigfabrik tonight. The venue has been successful in borrowing an alternative system and will be continuing ‘business as usual’ with its planned program of DJ sets and live appearances.

Upcoming gigs from Caliban and Tarja Turunen will not be affected, the venue promised.

Police believe that the system was carefully dismantled on-site and then removed in a van. Or, presumably, multiple vans given the size and weight of the items involved.

So if your neighbour’s van just went up in smoke and they’ve started playing their music a little louder than they used to, please be sure to call the proper authorities.