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The worst Christmas album covers ever: part 1

By MusicRadar
published 20 December 2017

A gallery of seasonal sleeves that will sleigh your eyes

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The ghosts of Christmas (albums) past...
We return to the worst Xmas album covers ever

The ghosts of Christmas (albums) past...

As this slightly unsettling shot from John Travolta and Olivia Newton John's 2012 festive collection shows, when it comes to selecting covers for their Christmas albums, music stars frequently demonstrate an amusing lack of judgement.

So let's delve back in to part one of MusicRadar's guide to the Worst Xmas Albums Covers Ever. Today, we'll give you a rundown of the mad, the bad, the nutso and the probably-worth-sixty-bucks-on-eBay-but-just-look-at-the-thing.

Anyway, have fun, stick the Star Wars one on your Xmas list, and we'll see you tomorrow for part two. Over to our first entry…

Page 1 of 26
Page 1 of 26
Carol Channing - The Year Without A Santa Claus
Broadway's golden girl gets her Christmas on
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com)

Carol Channing - The Year Without A Santa Claus

A husky-throated spoken word special from theatre vet Channing, reading the headlining Phyllis McGinley’s novella along with other festive classics.

As if the desperate ‘Hug mommy!’ artwork wasn’t disturbing enough, six years later McGinley’s book would become a terrifying Rankin/Bass animation starring Mickey Rooney (who’s still not dead. Wait, better check. Yeah, still going).

Page 2 of 26
Page 2 of 26
Mickey Gilley - Christmas At Gilley's
All round to Big Mickey's place
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com)

Mickey Gilley - Christmas At Gilley's

A Christmas cash-in after Gilley’s career was jumpstarted following an appearance on the soundtrack to John Travolta’s 1980 hit Urban Cowboy.

God bless him. Nothing says ‘I’m gonna make it this time’ harder than a boozed up Santa and a crowd of cheering rednecks.

Page 3 of 26
Page 3 of 26
Heino - Deutsche Weihnacht... und festliche Lieder
Not so Silent Nacht
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com )

Heino - Deutsche Weihnacht... und festliche Lieder

Children Of The Damned albino bowl cut: check.

Dark glasses and madly bulging eyes: check.

Pattern sweater and massive Christmas tree: check…

Then this must be the Christmas album from kitsch German minstrel, Heino. Intrigued? Course you are. More here.

Page 4 of 26
Page 4 of 26
Korean Bing Crosby - White Christmas
Fact: this isn't really the Korean Bing Crosby
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com )

Korean Bing Crosby - White Christmas

We have no idea why this Korean version of White Christmas exists, who sings it, and why lampshades make him so happy.

Not that any of that matters when it sounds so awesome.

Page 5 of 26
Page 5 of 26
Woody Phillips - A Toolbox Christmas
Oh, good gourd

Woody Phillips - A Toolbox Christmas

The cover to this gourd music monster looks like a soft-focus snuff movie before the messy part begins.

The noise is even worse: it sounds a bit like real music, in the same way a tongueless dog howling at the moon sounds like a trained choirist. See?

Page 6 of 26
Page 6 of 26
Star Wars - Christmas In The Stars
Droids are for life, not just for Christmas
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com )

Star Wars - Christmas In The Stars

Shameful but officially sanctioned Star Wars Christmas album from 1980 (the cover was drawn by the series’ poster artist Ralph McQuarry, triv fans).

It’s mostly Anthony Daniels dueting with the synth-splurge that is R2-D2, though the album also features the first professional vocal performance of Jon Bon Jovi.

Page 7 of 26
Page 7 of 26
The Kingston Trio - The Last Month Of The Year
We three King(ston)s
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com)

The Kingston Trio - The Last Month Of The Year

The clean-cut folk trio pictured committing typically chirpy group suicide by electrocution following the release of their 1960 seasonal release.

Not really. Though there is something desperate in their faces - maybe they sensed that The Last Month Of The Year would be their first major flop, reaching only #11 on the Billboard Pop chart.

Page 8 of 26
Page 8 of 26
Korla Pandit - Merry Xmas
Dreaming of a white Christmas?
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com)

Korla Pandit - Merry Xmas

Not just heroically ugly but also colourblind…

This cover takes Indian star Pandit - who was actually an African-American called John Roland Redd - and makes him look like a frightened white child.

Page 9 of 26
Page 9 of 26
Ringo Starr - I Wanna Be Santa Claus
Starry night, holy night

Ringo Starr - I Wanna Be Santa Claus

Ringo’s festive effort from 1999, featuring guest appearances from The Eagles’ Timothy B Schmit and Aerosmith’s Joe Perry.

Keeping up the collaborative theme, the album art was apparently designed through a colouring competition in McDonalds.

Page 10 of 26
Page 10 of 26
Various Artists - Christmas With Colonel Sanders
Q: Why was Colonel Sanders' rhythm section so bad? A: Because he had a chicken drummer…
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com)

Various Artists - Christmas With Colonel Sanders

Harry Bellafonte leads the charge on this weird fast food tie-in, the cover of which teaches us that using family feast buckets as gift wrapping is totally OK.

At least the Colonel looks more alive here than he did two years earlier on the front of the album’s predecessor, Christmas Eve With Colonel Sanders.

Page 11 of 26
Page 11 of 26
Indo G Presents… Christmas N' Memphis
Badass Santa

Indo G Presents… Christmas N' Memphis

Swag-bag Santa fills up the unique cover of rapper Indo G’s extraordinary Christmas record.

Tracks include Frosty The Blowman, All I Want For X-Mas Is My Charges Dropped and Santa’s Ho House.

Page 12 of 26
Page 12 of 26
Santa's Helpers - All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
Novelty albums: the devil's work
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com)

Santa's Helpers - All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

That’s funny, kid, because we’d really, really like to give them to you.

Page 13 of 26
Page 13 of 26
Mirror Image - Disco Noel
Seasonal fever
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com)

Mirror Image - Disco Noel

The small red print says 'Disco dance step lesson enclosed!'… which isn’t much use for the lady reduced to jiving with a mirror-themed tree at Christmas time.

And in case you’re wondering, yes, it sounds like you’d expect a meeting of Christmas and disco to sound: like the apocalypse.

Page 14 of 26
Page 14 of 26
DC Superheroes - Exciting Christmas Stories
And on the third day of Christmas…

DC Superheroes - Exciting Christmas Stories

Something worth considering: Superman is one of the few people who could genuinely do Santa Claus’ job without remodelling the laws of space/time.

Batman’s still the coolest though. Look, he’s carrying a bag of presents the same size as Superman’s, even though he doesn’t have super strength. Wow.

Page 15 of 26
Page 15 of 26
Six Million Dollar Man - Exciting Christmas Adventures
They can re-beard him
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com )

Six Million Dollar Man - Exciting Christmas Adventures

So what happens in these festive capers, apart from our bionic hero apparently doing some sort of festive strip?

"With only seven shopping days left until Christmas, Colonel Steve Austin suddenly remembers he has not bought any gifts." Really…

Page 16 of 26
Page 16 of 26
William Hung - Hung For The Holidays
Worshipping false idols

William Hung - Hung For The Holidays

American Idol laughing stock/hero Hung’s 2004 Christmas covers album, which is only marginally more ridiculous than his debut from the same year, Inspiration.

Not sure about the sleeve design. Is it self-made? Some kind of post-modern joke so progressive it’s subsumed into its own well of meaning? Or just utter, utter wang?

Page 17 of 26
Page 17 of 26
Thore Skogman Julskiva - Klappa Pa
"Now get in the bag with the others!"

Thore Skogman Julskiva - Klappa Pa

Swedish dazzler Julskiva gives us a Santa with a difference.

That difference being a Hessian murder sack strung with a few sad noodles of tinsel and almost certainly containing the biological evidence to put him away for 25 to life.

Page 18 of 26
Page 18 of 26
Harry Secombe - Christmas Cheer
Between The Goon Show and Songs Of Praise, there was Cheer
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com )

Harry Secombe - Christmas Cheer

Secombe turned to singing after the success of The Goon Show on BBC Radio.

But his rich voice didn’t power itself - it was fueled on roasted children, and they’re more potent served smiling.

Page 19 of 26
Page 19 of 26
Yngve Stoor - Jul Med Yngve Stoor
Santa catching the yuletide

Yngve Stoor - Jul Med Yngve Stoor

Christmas with Yngve Stoor reads the translation to this Scandie Chrimbo cracker.

Further research is needed to explain why Father Christmas is escaping from man-eating savages on a surfboard wearing only a handkerchief.

Page 20 of 26
Page 20 of 26
Various Artists - Christmas At Our House
Dreaming of a white-walled Christmas
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com )

Various Artists - Christmas At Our House

Swingstress Martha Tilton and a promised group of other GREAT HOLLYWOOD stars bring us this bare-bricked image of Christmas dejection.

Where’s the tree, dad? Why didn’t you buy me enough train track to do a figure of eight? And why the hell do we only have a tiny square of carpet?

Page 21 of 26
Page 21 of 26
Tim Dinkins - Christmas On The Moon
He's a rocket man

Tim Dinkins - Christmas On The Moon

Obscure folk mimsy from the otherwise unheard of Dinkins, along with the mysterious Mrs Nellie Bond.

Interesting to note that Santa is a capable pilot, and that reindeer are presumably incapable of surviving in orbit even if they are magical enough to fly. Listen to the madness here.

Page 22 of 26
Page 22 of 26
Various Artists - Christmas In England
It's grim up North (Pole)
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com)

Various Artists - Christmas In England

Keep yer fur-lined Santa and yer Coca Cola: cold brickwork and an inedible, death-black Christmas pudding is the real seasonal spirit.

This 1957 oddity was one of eight 'Christmas In…' albums released by Capitol in the same year. Check out how Catholic everybody is in Italy.

Page 23 of 26
Page 23 of 26
Shelley Duvall - Merry Christmas
All work and no play

Shelley Duvall - Merry Christmas

Cher’s curly-fraz wig and a chorus of Cinderella-style cartoon critters help Hollywood misfit Duvall launch a sickly sweet assault on Christmas.

Have a listen (opens in new tab) - a few seconds is enough to have you reaching, Jack Nicholson-like, for a baseball bat.

Page 24 of 26
Page 24 of 26
Kim Se-Hwan - Merry Christmas
Big in Asia (it says here)
(Image credit: bizarrerecords.com)

Kim Se-Hwan - Merry Christmas

More Korean Christmas capering, this time from sporty star Kim Se-Hwan.

Normally, skiing without a helmet is considered dangerous, but Kim’s side parting is resin-coated and is strong enough to withstand bullets even when fired from close range.

Page 25 of 26
Page 25 of 26
Yoko Ono - An Xmas Message From Yoko
Warning: black ice

Yoko Ono - An Xmas Message From Yoko

Yoko’s solo Christmas effort from 1991, now sadly out of print.

The evocative sleeve pictures Christmas not as a twinkling festive wonderland, but as a dark abyss scattered with meagre ashes. Merry Christmas to you too, love.

Click here for Part Two - it's even worse!

Page 26 of 26
Page 26 of 26
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