Jack White - Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007)
You’d imagine that Jack White would refuse to appear in a lowbrow multiplex spoof on the basis that it’s not the sort of thing Blind Lemon Jefferson would do, but his Elvis pastiche is actually the film’s sole not-crap moment*.
Oh, how we laughed… until we realised that he could have been making a new White Stripes album instead.
*NB - at least one member of the MusicRadar team couldn't agree less with this statement and argues that Walk Hard is actually a very funny movie indeed.
Steve Vai - Crossroads (1986)
Crossroads’ tedium is briefly broken by Vai’s turn as a satanic shredder who duels with Ralph ‘Karate Kid’ Macchio. In reality, Ry Cooder played Macchio’s parts, as you’ll inform your girlfriend before realising she’s been asleep for the past hour.
'Big' Jim Martin - Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)
Screw Oxbridge: stick the Bill & Ted University on your UCAS form. This future institution employs time-travelling tutors, such as the Faith No More beanpole, rather than the octogenarian droning on about semantics while you read this on your lap.
Bruce Springsteen - High Fidelity (2000)
Woman trouble? You need a hallucinated heart-to-heart with a rock god, just like John Cusack in High Fidelity. To be honest, The Boss is less than helpful, advising Cusack to “just move on down the road”. We’ll get our advice from Gene Simmons.
Scott Ian - Calendar Girls (2003)
This tale of twilight-years strippers takes a surreal turn when the ‘girls’ are mobbed by the Anthrax man. “I was pretty excited to be in a scene with Helen Mirren,” he says, without apparent sarcasm.
Slash - Phineas And Ferb: Across The 2nd Dimension (2011)
Despite his assurances that it’s “very rock ’n’ roll, even for a cartoon”, the words ‘Slash’ and ‘The Disney Channel’ should never appear together. This sort of caper is precisely why rock hellraisers shouldn’t be allowed to have children.
Tom DeLonge - American Pie (1999)
When the puerile Blink-182 collided with Hollywood’s most moronic film, the dumbness was roughly equal to a clown milking a dog on a unicycle. Now they’re grown-up artistes, we assume Tom DeLonge and co are mortified by their involvement in the infamous webcam scene.
Lemmy - Hardware (1990)
Richard Stanley probably thought the Motörhead legend would bring an edge to his post-apocalyptic flick. Not so much. Lemster turned up, got drunk on a provided bottle of Jack, dropped his prop pistol into the Thames and turned in a performance so wooden that it makes Bowie look like Olivier.
Keith Richards - Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End (2007)
Pretty pirate-like anyway, this isn’t so much acting as business as usual for Keef, seeing him stumble around, making slurred threats and breaking strings on his acoustic.
Dave Grohl - Tenacious D in The Pick Of Destiny (2006)
His features might imply the lead in a remake of Mister Ed, but Grohl is ace as a horned, potty-mouthed devil. “Yes, you are fucked!/Shit out of luck! Now I’m complete, my cock you will suck!” he roars, but is ultimately beaten and dragged back to Hell. We may have to rethink that ‘rock’s nicest man’ tag…
