Ted Nugent goes by many nicknames: Terrible Ted, The Motor City Madman, The Nuge, etc. But there's a new title he's after: America's Drug Czar.
That's right, Nugent has thrown his hat in the ring for the top job of policing the US narcotics trade, and in an editorial published at HumanEvents.com, he's called upon President Barack Obama choose him over other, more qualified candidates.
"Call me, President Obama," Nugent writes. "Hippies, dope heads, corrupt politicos and various other human debris hate me, which makes me the perfect man for the job."
The Nuge wants to take the 'trash out'
"We have all the laws we need to fight drugs. What America needs is the will-power and a renewed warrior spirit to crush evil and evil doers," says the guitar-as-buffalo-shooting rocker. "As Drug Czar, I would charge our mayors and police departments to commit to fighting the drug gangs their top priority. Our inner cities will remain war zones until we commit to taking the trash out."
Personally, the idea of Ted Nugent roaming the streets with a crossbow seems a little too Wild, Wild West for tackling today's problems. Still, Terrible Ted is undeterred, and believes that his old-school tactics are just the thing:
"I am not naïve enough to believe we can ever fully eradicate drugs. However, as America's Drug Czar, I would put a big hurt on the drug kingpins and consumers like they have never seen. Every American who smokes dope, manufactures, buys or sells meth or uses any illegal drugs is aiding and abetting the enemies of America. Case closed.
"This spiritual inbreeding and cannibalism must be identified, admitted to and stopped immediately. America can, and must do this. Good over evil. Next."
We wonder, did The Nuge include in his editorial his resume listing him as writer of such stately anthems as Wang Dang Sweet Poon Tang? You know the one...goes a little something like this...