14 devastatingly bad Christmas songs
MusicRadar has picked its best Christmas songs, but there are also some atrocious festive songs to be heard should you be in a 'bah, humbug!' mood.
Astonishingly, superstars Paul McCartney, Robbie Williams and Green Day all should feel guilty.
So, if you're in the mood, drink to oblivion with this wretched soundtrack of Christmas crappers…
MusicRadar's 14 worst Christmas songs ever!
Robbie Williams - Walk This Sleigh
That pun-based title alone would be enough to put this abomination onto the 'worst' list, but wait until you actually hear it. Walk This Sleigh features Williams' cheeky chappie persona in full, gruesome effect and – hold onto your aching sides – contains elements of the Manamana song from The Muppet Show. It's enough to make you want to become a Jehovah's Witness. Ben Rogerson
Dan Folgelberg - Same Old Lang Syne
The late soft rocker said this tune was autobiographical, written after he ran into an old girlfriend at a grocery store when he was visiting his folks in Peroia, Illinois. I hope Dan got it on with the ol' gal, but did he have to leave us with a song so gaseous? Smooth jazz (a term that makes me scram) saxophonist Michael Brecker wheezes a suitably cheesy end solo. Joe Bosso
Cliff Richard - Mistletoe And Wine
Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!!! Mistletoe And f*cking Wine. First of all, let's take a look at a definition of mistletoe: "a poisonous plant that causes acute gastrointestinal problems including stomach pain and diarrhoea." Second of all, shouldn't this God-forsaken song be called Mistletoe And Mulled Wine? Yeah, go on, down a bucket of Blue Nun on Christmas eve and completely RUIN the big day for everyone else. Cheers, Cliff. Tom Porter
Basshunter - Jingle Bells
"Jonas Erik Altberg (born December 22, 1984, in Halmstad, Sweden), better known by the pseudonym Basshunter, is a Swedish singer and DJ. Basshunter describes his own music as Eurodance, while others may also interpret it as Eurotrash...." I'm simply quoting Wikipedia here, as I have nothing else to say. Other than: this is utter, utter rubbish. Michael Leonard
Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime
The merest snatch of the squelchy synth intro to this festive monstrosity is enough to drain the Christmas cheer from St Nicholas himself. The sound of a man speeding into a creative nadir with his brakes failing, this couldn't be further from the genius of his Beatles output if it was blasted into space. And by God, we wish it had been. Solid ammunition for the barmy 'Paul is dead' theorists. Chris Vinnicombe
The Kinks - Father Christmas
It's easy to pick on the Cheeky Girls for releasing the aural equivalent of the last turkey in the shop. It's harder to have a pop at those who should know better. But we give you The Kinks and the risible Father Christmas. "Father Christmas / Give us some money / We'll beat you up if you make us annoyed..." This naïve pile of 'social insight' does nothing but sully the reputation of a band who should've stopped five years earlier. Mike Goldsmith
Elvis Presley - Blue Christmas
The words "blue Christmas" in the first line of this country standard (popularised by Elvis) are just the beginning of an utterly ludicrous chromatic adventure. The song is crammed full of nonsense colour references ("decorations of red on a green Christmas tree", "blue snowflakes", "blue memories", "your Christmas of white") that stink of filler and are an effective disclaimer to that old adage 'once you've written the hook line, the rest of the song will write itself'. Chris Wickett
The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)
The Darkness were a joke that had gone too far long before they burdened us with this piece of festive trash, but even by their low standards, it's appalling. Appropriately enough, this turd of a record charted at number two in the UK - see, we can do feeble schoolboy humour too - but as various wags have pointed out, it should have been called Don't Let The Bellend Sing. Ben Rogerson
Kenny G - Let It Snow
Kenny G. The 'G' stands for 'gloop,' 'glop' or 'gunk' – take your pick. His crimes against humanity include the massacre of numerous Christmas classics, but his full-frontal molestation of Let It Snow is particularly egregious. Check out the schmaltzy Hallmark-esque slideslow in this clip. Ugh. And what's with that skinny little flute he plays? Dude, get a real sax already. Joe Bosso
Dennis Waterman And George Cole - What Are We Gonna Get 'Er Indoors?
For those of you not familiar with Dennis and George, they're a bit like ITV's answer to Only Fools And Horses' Derek and Rodney Trotter. Their show Minder was a British comedy-drama. Unfortunately 'Er Indoors is neither. Obviously it's a novelty record – cockney rhyming and mockney fighting are the order of the day – but listening to it will invoke the market-trader beater in us all. You've been warned. Tom Porter
Stryper - Winter Wonderland
As devout Christians, Stryper's sincerity in celebrating Christmas cannot be questioned. And indeed, MusicRadar wishes them a holy, peaceful Christmas. (Though it might be more peaceful with their guitars, basses, drums, and microphones locked in the attic? I'd pray for that.) Michael Leonard
Band Aid II - Do They Know It's Christmas
Yes we know this 1989 effort was for charity. But that's no excuse. Dispensing with any pedigree held by the original version, the sinister Midas touch of Pete Waterman was enlisted to add a dollop of his trademark gloss. A risible cast of preening 'artists', including such icons as D Mob, Technotronic, Big Fun and Bros fail miserably to replicate the spirit of the original. Amazingly, Waterman cancelled his wedding to produce this. Chris Vinnicombe
Green Day - Jingle Bells
This can also be stuffed in the file marked 'Should Know Better'. Billie Joe is famed for his 'wackier' moments but light years beyond such arsing about is appearing on Jimmy Kimmel and singing Jingle Bells with Serena Williams! Ack. Those made of sterner stuff should click here instead to see not only Green Day but The Ramones dismantling our memories plus Nirvana crooning We Wish You A Merry Christmas. We're so sorry. Mike Goldsmith
Chris Rea - Driving Home For Christmas
"What's my take on Christmas?" mused Chris Rea. Then a flash of genius: "I know! I'm driving home for it!" We're not saying that every Christmas song needs a completely new angle, but vague sentimentality just won't do, no matter how many jingle bells and bell trees you stuff underneath. This song might have been at least slightly evocative if Rea had elaborated on just one of the "thousand memories" he alludes to, but instead we're given a description of the traffic conditions. Chris Wickett