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BLOG: The worst song of all time
One writer's choice. What's yours?
The MusicRadar Team, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:24 pm UTC
Still, picking a song that signifies the worst of the worst, one that encapsulates the lowest depth of creative potential, is an intensely personal choice, and my money has to go to Billy Joel for the godawful Captain Jack. I realize that I could have simply picked the entire Joel oeuvre, but that felt like the easy way out. Songwriting this phenomenally bad has to have a tipping point, and with this piece of tepid offal from 1973, Joel has, quite simply outdone himself - and everybody else.
Let's put the song on the Suck Scale to see how it stacks up: Hair-brained, pretentious lyrics? Check. Migraine-producing melody? Check. And let's not even get into the stomach-and-bowel-related aspects of Mr. Joel's singing style. Suffice to say that Captain Jack should only be listened to in the safe confines of one's bathroom. That's game, set and match, folks.
Make no mistake, Captain Jack is audio Kryptonite. I, along with untold others, have been feeling its negative impact for years. So acute is my aversion to the song, so strong is my allergic reaction, that whenever it comes on the radio (and if it's twice a year, that's still two times too many), my finger hits the button to change it with the speed of a winning contestant on Jeopardy! (One time, while driving, my wife was amazed at my reflex response to the song's opening chord. "How do you even know that was Captain Jack?" she asked in amzement. "I can tell when anybody in the world is playing it," I told her. "And it's my job to stop them.")
In an interview, Billy Joel once said that he wrote Captain Jack as an admonishment to "stoned-out losers," his way of giving them a kick in the pants. Whatever his intentions, Captain Jack has the reverse effect - it makes me want to numb myself completely. But no amount of wild shit I could smoke will ever undo its damage. At this point, all I can do is manage the disease. So let this column be a lesson to one and all. Right now, somebody somewhere is considering playing Captain Jack. If we all wish it away hard enough, maybe, just maybe, it can be so. It's always nice to dream.
What do you think? Got something even worse than Captain Jack? Well, don't hold back - tell us.
By Joe Bosso
User comments (28)
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Joe Bosso obviously does not like Billy Joel full stop, I think any 'normal' person without a chip on his shoulder could rustle up at least a hundred songs before more worthy of this slot which does not contian Billy Joel; I don't like Genisis but I wouldnt think any song of theirs deserves a 'worse song of all time'.
Joe, go home, have a drink and actually give it some thought.. -
We had to move from the old forum for stuff like this????
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Actually putting serious though into finding and branding a song as terrible a very nasty thing to do and a complete waste of time besides.
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'Unchained Melody' is horrendous and almost ranks along 'Crazy Frog' to my ears. Bleurgh...
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This article should be in Heat magazine. Tat. Complete and utter drivel.
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There are some real stinkers in the article above. For me most songs by Mikka appear high on my worst list, especially that 'Big girls you are beautiful'. Oh and let's not forget 'Lady in Red' by Chris de Burgh, the thought of it makes me want to throw-up.
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Genuine suggestion:
Sugababez: Round Round.
Woeful, juvenile lyrics; "beige wallpaper" melody; cringeworthy, inept vocals; a midsection that is completely out of place, giving the impression of another equally dire song within a song.
Don't get me started on Girls Aloud. -
err,
Rather inappropriate choice of title - you can't define "worst" or "best" in music - you can only say you like it or dislike it.
Tthe fact that you've heard of these songs means they have a certain popularity and therefore someone likes them, and if someone likes them then by definition they are good - it's all in the ear of your audience after all. If you don't particularly enjoy them it doesn't make them bad songs, just as the fact that your favourite songs are not by definition good, though to you they may be the greatest songs ever.
Liking or disliking a song is so subjective that you can't possibly say one is bad or good - just that you don't like it or that you do like it.
So I'd re title the blog as "My Least Favourite Song" or "The Song I Hate The Most".
Pedantic Gaz -
Bee Gees How deep is your love ... makes me cringe. Likewise Yellow and Rose (the only James Taylor song in a whole career that I don't like).
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Somewhere down the crazy river - Robbie Robertson
White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane
Don't Stop Thinking about Tomorrow - Fleetwood Mac
take your pick. Way too much airtime.
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strumstrum
Tue 1 Jul 2008, 7:57 am UTC