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Guilty for crimes against humanity

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Going into this, I knew that picking the Worst Song Of All Time was a lose-lose situation. Not only would I have to recall the wasted minutes in my life enduring all-out crapfests like Feelings and Billy, Don't Be A Hero, but I'd have to expend even more precious time listening to them over again just to reassure myself that they sucked as galactically as I thought. (And they do. Oh yes, they really do!) This is why "best-of" lists are so popular: People don't want to be reminded of the pain inflicted on this world by felonious songwriters. I, however, cannot let such sins go unpunished.

But before I crown the Worst Song Of All Time, let's examine the criteria of what makes a song truly suck. It should go without saying that I'm not talking about your average, run-of-the-mill stinkbombs (Benny And The Jets, Witchy Woman and 25,000 other lame-o's); rather, I'm referring to songs so egregiously offensive that they can make a listener long for the sound of baby seals being clubbed. Songs this horrible usually contain hair-brained or pretentious lyrics, melodies that are capable of producing an instantaneous migraine, and singing that induces projectile vomiting and/or aggressive bowel evacuation. So, while Benny And The Jets is certainly irritating, and the world would most assuredly be a better place if Elton John and Bernie Taupin said, "Hey, let's go rewrite Crocodile Rock instead," I don't think they're responsible for mass trips to the gastroenterologist.

I should also point out that awful cover songs don't count, which means that full-time toolbox Michael Bolton's crimes against humanity will, in this instance anyway, be overlooked. Yes, his version of (Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay is awful enough to make Otis Redding roll right out of his grave and administer a five-finger cock punch to Mr. Bolton, but the fact remains that Redding's original song is an R&B classic of the highest order. No full-time toolbox, not even a card-carrying member like Michael Bolton, can change that.

Before making my selection, I took the time to confer with a panel of experts. And I must say, when it comes to shining a blinding light on lameness, The MusicRadar staff sure know their stuff. Starship's thoroughly wretched We Built This City seemed to be a popular choice, as did Bon Jovi's raging loaf-pincher Wanted Dead Or Alive. With This Girl Is Mine and Ebony And Ivory, it was agreed that Paul McCartney, Michael Jackson and Stevie Wonder formed their own little corporation, heretofore known as Suck, Inc. And the less everybody had to say about Ice Ice Baby, the better.

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