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BLOG: The worst song of all time
One writer's choice. What's yours?
The MusicRadar Team, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:24 pm UTC
Going into this, I knew that picking the Worst Song Of All Time was a lose-lose situation. Not only would I have to recall the wasted minutes in my life enduring all-out crapfests like Feelings and Billy, Don't Be A Hero, but I'd have to expend even more precious time listening to them over again just to reassure myself that they sucked as galactically as I thought. (And they do. Oh yes, they really do!) This is why "best-of" lists are so popular: People don't want to be reminded of the pain inflicted on this world by felonious songwriters. I, however, cannot let such sins go unpunished.
But before I crown the Worst Song Of All Time, let's examine the criteria of what makes a song truly suck. It should go without saying that I'm not talking about your average, run-of-the-mill stinkbombs (Benny And The Jets, Witchy Woman and 25,000 other lame-o's); rather, I'm referring to songs so egregiously offensive that they can make a listener long for the sound of baby seals being clubbed. Songs this horrible usually contain hair-brained or pretentious lyrics, melodies that are capable of producing an instantaneous migraine, and singing that induces projectile vomiting and/or aggressive bowel evacuation. So, while Benny And The Jets is certainly irritating, and the world would most assuredly be a better place if Elton John and Bernie Taupin said, "Hey, let's go rewrite Crocodile Rock instead," I don't think they're responsible for mass trips to the gastroenterologist.
I should also point out that awful cover songs don't count, which means that full-time toolbox Michael Bolton's crimes against humanity will, in this instance anyway, be overlooked. Yes, his version of (Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay is awful enough to make Otis Redding roll right out of his grave and administer a five-finger cock punch to Mr. Bolton, but the fact remains that Redding's original song is an R&B classic of the highest order. No full-time toolbox, not even a card-carrying member like Michael Bolton, can change that.
Before making my selection, I took the time to confer with a panel of experts. And I must say, when it comes to shining a blinding light on lameness, The MusicRadar staff sure know their stuff. Starship's thoroughly wretched We Built This City seemed to be a popular choice, as did Bon Jovi's raging loaf-pincher Wanted Dead Or Alive. With This Girl Is Mine and Ebony And Ivory, it was agreed that Paul McCartney, Michael Jackson and Stevie Wonder formed their own little corporation, heretofore known as Suck, Inc. And the less everybody had to say about Ice Ice Baby, the better.
User comments (28)
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Joe Bosso obviously does not like Billy Joel full stop, I think any 'normal' person without a chip on his shoulder could rustle up at least a hundred songs before more worthy of this slot which does not contian Billy Joel; I don't like Genisis but I wouldnt think any song of theirs deserves a 'worse song of all time'.
Joe, go home, have a drink and actually give it some thought.. -
We had to move from the old forum for stuff like this????
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Actually putting serious though into finding and branding a song as terrible a very nasty thing to do and a complete waste of time besides.
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'Unchained Melody' is horrendous and almost ranks along 'Crazy Frog' to my ears. Bleurgh...
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This article should be in Heat magazine. Tat. Complete and utter drivel.
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There are some real stinkers in the article above. For me most songs by Mikka appear high on my worst list, especially that 'Big girls you are beautiful'. Oh and let's not forget 'Lady in Red' by Chris de Burgh, the thought of it makes me want to throw-up.
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Genuine suggestion:
Sugababez: Round Round.
Woeful, juvenile lyrics; "beige wallpaper" melody; cringeworthy, inept vocals; a midsection that is completely out of place, giving the impression of another equally dire song within a song.
Don't get me started on Girls Aloud. -
err,
Rather inappropriate choice of title - you can't define "worst" or "best" in music - you can only say you like it or dislike it.
Tthe fact that you've heard of these songs means they have a certain popularity and therefore someone likes them, and if someone likes them then by definition they are good - it's all in the ear of your audience after all. If you don't particularly enjoy them it doesn't make them bad songs, just as the fact that your favourite songs are not by definition good, though to you they may be the greatest songs ever.
Liking or disliking a song is so subjective that you can't possibly say one is bad or good - just that you don't like it or that you do like it.
So I'd re title the blog as "My Least Favourite Song" or "The Song I Hate The Most".
Pedantic Gaz -
Bee Gees How deep is your love ... makes me cringe. Likewise Yellow and Rose (the only James Taylor song in a whole career that I don't like).
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Somewhere down the crazy river - Robbie Robertson
White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane
Don't Stop Thinking about Tomorrow - Fleetwood Mac
take your pick. Way too much airtime.
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strumstrum
Tue 1 Jul 2008, 7:57 am UTC