MusicRadar

The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)

The Darkness were a joke that had gone too far long before they burdened us with this piece of festive trash, but even by their low standards, it's appalling. Appropriately enough, this turd of a record charted at number two in the UK - see, we can do feeble schoolboy humour too - but as various wags have pointed out, it should have been called Don't Let The Bellend Sing. Ben Rogerson

Kenny G - Let It Snow

Kenny G. The 'G' stands for 'gloop,' 'glop' or 'gunk' – take your pick. His crimes against humanity include the massacre of numerous Christmas classics, but his full-frontal molestation of Let It Snow is particularly egregious. Check out the schmaltzy Hallmark-esque slideslow in this clip. Ugh. And what's with that skinny little flute he plays? Dude, get a real sax already. Joe Bosso

Dennis Waterman And George Cole - What Are We Gonna Get 'Er Indoors?

For those of you not familiar with Dennis and George, they're a bit like ITV's answer to Only Fools And Horses' Derek and Rodney Trotter. Their show Minder was a British comedy-drama. Unfortunately 'Er Indoors is neither. Obviously it's a novelty record – cockney rhyming and mockney fighting are the order of the day – but listening to it will invoke the market-trader beater in us all. You've been warned. Tom Porter

Stryper - Winter Wonderland

As devout Christians, Stryper's sincerity in celebrating Christmas cannot be questioned. And indeed, MusicRadar wishes them a holy, peaceful Christmas. (Though it might be more peaceful with their guitars, basses, drums, and microphones locked in the attic? I'd pray for that.) Michael Leonard

Band Aid II - Do They Know It's Christmas

Yes we know this 1989 effort was for charity. But that's no excuse. Dispensing with any pedigree held by the original version, the sinister Midas touch of Pete Waterman was enlisted to add a dollop of his trademark gloss. A risible cast of preening 'artists', including such icons as D Mob, Technotronic, Big Fun and Bros fail miserably to replicate the spirit of the original. Amazingly, Waterman cancelled his wedding to produce this. Chris Vinnicombe

Green Day - Jingle Bells

This can also be stuffed in the file marked 'Should Know Better'. Billie Joe is famed for his 'wackier' moments but light years beyond such arsing about is appearing on Jimmy Kimmel and singing Jingle Bells with Serena Williams! Ack. Those made of sterner stuff should click here instead to see not only Green Day but The Ramones dismantling our memories plus Nirvana crooning We Wish You A Merry Christmas. We're so sorry. Mike Goldsmith

Chris Rea - Driving Home For Christmas

"What's my take on Christmas?" mused Chris Rea. Then a flash of genius: "I know! I'm driving home for it!" We're not saying that every Christmas song needs a completely new angle, but vague sentimentality just won't do, no matter how many jingle bells and bell trees you stuff underneath. This song might have been at least slightly evocative if Rea had elaborated on just one of the "thousand memories" he alludes to, but instead we're given a description of the traffic conditions. Chris Wickett

Around the web:

• Stan MorrisAnything with the Chipmunks I Hate.
• Mark DraperBlimey - there is much worse that that piped out of every shop floor across the land! The Kinks - that`s a great track! Refreshingly non soppy, so much more shit out there, Mariah for example, Shakin Stevens all the ahem classics!