Drum Expo 2013: "I was asked to write an article on why I think drummers are infinitely cooler than all other band members. The first thing I thought was, 'Are there people out there that DON'T realise this?!?!' Drummers are the coolest part of any band for a multitude of reasons, the least of which is the mere fact that we get to hit stuff for a living.
"Being a drummer in a great band is like captaining a luxury yacht. You get to steer the ship any direction you want. Of course you want your boat to look nice, so you adorn it with the best accessories possible. In my case, I have three of the foxiest guys in rock on the front of my boat. While we are playing shows and the other band members are posing and shredding, I am simultaneously rocking AND hunting for chicks. The fact that I face forward the whole show enables me to scan the crowd for hot chicks the entire time.
"Speaking of chicks, there is a fascinating thing that occurs in nature. Girls who dig drummers seem to only dig drummers! They must be attracted to all of the masculine traits we exhibit, like the muscles, the confidence, the size of our sticks (Tommy Lee) and our rugged good looks. It seems like singers, guitarists and bass players are all interchangeable to most girls, but drummers are excluded from that lot. They either love us or they don't, which is great because there is no time for games when you're on the road. Bus call is at 2am and I don't have time to waste wondering if I'm gonna get some action!
"Drummers also seem to party a bit harder than the other dudes. It's as if our constitutions are stronger than most when it comes to our vices. Strictly geographically speaking, sitting in the back we have the luxury of keeping a bucket next to us in the case of too much drink. We also have extra drums on which we can lay out certain powders and or herbs while maintaining a safe haven from the eyes of the law or, even worse, bandmates who ran out of their own stuff! This also means we're usually the last man standing, which can only precipitate one thing: I'm gonna nail your chick because you passed out!
"Being a drummer also satisfies the engineer inside each of us. As a heavy metal drummer I have a fairly large kit. My usual set-up requires a big drum cage. Designing and constructing these cages is not for the feeble mind of a bass player or the inflated ego of a lead singer or the delicate fingers of a guitarist. It is for the manly drummer who works with his calloused hands, his beating heart, his brilliant mind and his kick-ass package. It requires focus and vision, creativity and practicality, and a bunch of beer and pizzas.
"These are just a few reasons why being a drummer rules, but all in all, drummers are the coolest guys in music. We can rock small clubs and we can move entire stadiums with our own bare hands and feet. Playing the drums is primal. It comes from deep within our spandex. It is who we are.
It is a dream come true for every musician to play for big crowds, but it is the dream of the drummer to move you."
For more information on Steel Panther, visit their official website.